March 27, 2024
I Cried on my Daughter’s 8th Birthday
March 27, 2024
I Cried on my Daughter’s 8th Birthday
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I cried on my daughter’s 8th birthday.

Because I’m sad she’s getting older & filled with joy? Yes, but no.

Dave got flowers and I thought they were for me (I buy myself flowers every year on her birthday to celebrate it all). But he gives them to her then tries to give them back to me. And she says but it’s my birthday. And I say but I pushed you out of my body. No one’s happy. 

She’s gotten so many things to celebrate her for her big day, and I just wanted the flowers to be in recognition of me, as her mother. That someone saw me.

Still, not a proud moment. 

So I go to my bathroom and cry.

Because I haven’t slept well lately and am tired AF. Because I feel over delivered and under appreciated.

If that isn’t the truth of motherhood sometimes I don’t know what is..

I feel like I’m crying for all the times I’ve felt that way these last 8 years.

All the times when the only one to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps through some of life’s toughest moments – is you.

When you muster the strength and courage to keep showing up, keep trying, even when you are exhausted, depleted, and don’t know how you can muster one more ounce of energy to show up, and always hope it’s even a glimmer of a version of your best self.

I grieved that today. All the times motherhood has taken more out of me than I had to give. For the perseverance some days feel like they take. For the loneliness that can be found there.

I’m glad I let myself feel it all, so I can begin to really let it go. And forge forward knowing so much more than I did before.

If you’re feeling this way, know you’re not alone. Especially in the beginning when it’s all so new and raw and asks so much of you physically.

And to the other mothers that support you – they’re the unsung heroes of raising the next generation.

—-

Cue 5 minutes later my daughter walks in with a new bouquet of flowers Dave went out to get and she says shyly “thank you for everything you do for me”.

Then the tears really flow. And she holds me tight and I push away the guilt that I should be the one holding her. I just let myself have this moment to receive from her. To not have to be the bigger person.

I realize maybe I’m not just crying from the weariness of it. But from the love it. The vulnerability of someone holding your heart outside your body. From the looking back thinking wow – we did this. I gave it everything I had and we did this.

I told her she doesn’t owe me anything for all I do for her and that I was sorry for what I said. That I chose to have her and you don’t owe me for what I give you as a parent.

I told her the reasons I get flowers for myself every birth day (and here the waterworks really flow so I know I’ve hit truth) is because it was the biggest, most important day of my life and that’s something I want to celebrate and need to honor year after year.

My recent womb clearing and Mayan shaman massage in Guatemala, where she completely shifted my uterus, keeps coming to mind. It’s definitely connected to what I’m feeling now. Acknowledging all that my womb has been through and stored these last 8years, 10months.

There’s sadness there mixed with the thrill of freedom, all while reminding me how many things we can feel, express and release at once.

Mothers – may we not forget ourselves. May we honor the stages. And may we always remind ourselves that it’s okay to be held too. 

 

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